Sunday, March 29, 2009
"It is with great regret that we announce a change in the number of planets that will be orbiting the sun known as Sol AKA Helios. Yes, the universe is still going through an expansion period, however our solar system feels that downsizing is the right thing to do at this time. So it is with great sadness that we are letting Pluto go.
Our decision was made based on a history of erratic orbits, it's small size and the fact that it, despite repeated requests, has yet to clear it's own orbital path of debris. Simply put, Pluto has not lived up to the obligations each planet must meet to maintain the minimum requirements of planethood. Given its cold demeanor (-390 c) we don't feel it will be missed much.
Making this brutal decision even more difficult is the fact that Pluto has a moon to support. While we will be offering no severance package, we shall all feel very bad (the appropriate amount of time being just long enough so we do not appear to look like a collection of douche-bags, or until we can joke about it without recieving uncomfortable looks from other people on the elevator). Uranus you're on notice... hahahahahahaha "UrANUS" hahahahaha... ahem, sorry."
This was the announcement made on August 24, 2006 (I paraphrased a bit). You would have thought that Pluto would have gotten the message and yet there it still is... hanging around... not going anywhere. It's pretty uncomfortable for the eight remaining planets.
There was the time Pluto tried to start up that conversation with Neptune and Neptune had to say to Saturn, "Hey Saturn, do you hear something, cuz' I could have sworn I heard something?" and Saturn said "No dude, must have been the solar wind, cuz I didn't hear any of the OTHER PLANETS say anything." Even though it was perfectly clear that they both heard Pluto.
In order to avoid any future incidents we are asking that all celestial bodies not encourage this "hanging around" with offers of loose change, or food. Furthermore any response to Pluto or it's "moon" Charon should be made by simply holding up one hand while stating "Talk to the hand, cuz the ears ain't listening."