Sunday, March 29, 2009

Post #3 "Solar System Downsizing"

"It is with great regret that we announce a change in the number of planets that will be orbiting the sun known as Sol AKA Helios. Yes, the universe is still going through an expansion period, however our solar system feels that downsizing is the right thing to do at this time. So it is with great sadness that we are letting Pluto go.

Our decision was made based on a history of e
rratic orbits, it's small size and the fact that it, despite repeated requests, has yet to clear it's own orbital path of debris. Simply put, Pluto has not lived up to the obligations each planet must meet to maintain the minimum requirements of planethood. Given its cold demeanor (-390 c) we don't feel it will be missed much.

Making this brutal decision even more difficult is the fact that Pluto has a moon to support. While we will be offering no severance package, we shall all feel very bad (the appropriate amount of time being just long enough so we do not appear to look like a collection of douche-bags, or until we can joke about it without recieving uncomfortable looks from other people on the elevator).
Uranus you're on notice... hahahahahahaha "UrANUS" hahahahaha... ahem, sorry."

This was the announcement made on August 24, 2006 (I paraphrased a bit). You would have thought that Pluto would have gotten the message and yet there it still is... hanging around... not going anywhere. It's pretty uncomfortable for the eight remaining planets.

There was the time Pluto tried to start up that conversation with Neptune and Neptune had to say to Saturn, "Hey Saturn, do you hear something, cuz' I could have sworn I heard something?" and Saturn said "No dude, must have been the solar wind, cuz I didn't hear any of the OTHER PLANETS say anything." Even though it was perfectly clear that they both heard Pluto.

In order to avoid any future incidents we are asking that all celestial bodies not encourage this "hanging around" with offers of loose change, or food. Furthermore any response to Pluto or it's "moon" Charon should be made by simply holding up one hand while stating "Talk to the hand, cuz the ears ain't listening."

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Post #2 "The Duckbill Platypus... WTF?!"

The Duckbill Platypus is a unique mammal. Unique in that it has a duck-like bill, lays eggs, the males of the species produce venom from their rear claws, and it's just one of the craziest looking things on earth. Seriously... mother nature must have been imbibing in some of the illegal plants she created the day she thought this would be a good idea... I can picture her now, choking on a fatty and snickering as this thing was born.

Where did this thing come from? Well, I've compiled some Theories...

Creationist Theory:
"And god created the heavens and the earth," and the weird looking platypus.

This is the belief that an all powerful god created life on earth. The nice thing about this belief system is it answers the chicken vs. egg question... No egg straight to chicken.

It also proves that god has a sense of humor... Platypus... seriously?

Oh, if your looking at the picture, I know that's not god. I couldn't find a picture of god so I went with Lemmy.

Evolutionist Theory:
This is also the most credible theory. This is the theory that all life on earth evolved from basic life forms through a series of natural selections into forms that allowed them to better adapt to their environment. Nature wins; in your face Nurture!

The Duckbill Platypus was one of the first mammals to evolve, and is one of only two Monotremes in existence today (the other is the Echidna... also a weird looking animal).

My Theory:
I've been here and I understand... Mr. Groundhog had one too many. It was almost closing time. Mr. Groundhog spots Ms. Duck across the bar and one thing led to another.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Post #1 "The Grandfather Paradox Makes No Sense"

Ok, so that's an oxymoron, but let me explain. The Grandfather Paradox has to do with time travel. Let's say I figured out a way to travel through time. Where to go!? Well, I was going to visit Gramps anyway. Why not kill two birds with one stone. I might as well meet him in the past.

I could go back to a time before he kept a bedside "teeth cup", and smelled like old beer farts (this would mean traveling WAY back). I figure, just to be safe, I'd go back and visit him before my parents were even born. If I meet him and he doesn't know me then "hey! It's just like last week!" but this time sans Maalox mustache.

So I fire up the time machine and head back to 1943. While I wouldn't actually do this, if I was following the theory of the grandfather paradox, I would have packed my Patricide tools which I would then use on Gramps.

This leads to the paradox. If I killed my grandfather before my parents were born, then i would never have been born. If I had never been born then I couldn't have traveled back in time to kill my own grandfather, in which case I would eventually have been born, grown up, gone back in time, killed him, would never have been born, couldn't have gone back in time... Paradox

What this theory does not take into account is Grandma...

From what I understand, back in the day my grandmother was quite the hot ticket...
who knows what shenanigans she might have gotten into when Grandpa was off killin' nazi's, walking to work with no shoes, or hiding scrap metal metal to benefit the war effort.

Not that I doubt my dear old grandmother's virtue, but how can you be absolutely sure that knocking off grandpa would create a paradox? Those were the days of doctor housecalls, door-to-door salemen, and maytag repairmen... There were a lot of dudes coming in and out of grandma's life (no pun intended).

Soooooo... The Grandfather Paradox makes no sense. It should be the "Grandmother Paradox". The only way to be absolutely sure you create a paradox is by getting rid of Gram... Next week "Milkman Paradox."